Walking into Kylie Minogue’s concert a few evenings ago, I walked past two teenage girls stepping into a floodlit area.
“Hey! Look at my shadow!” the one shouted excitedly to her friend, as they played with the way the lights fell around them.
Being a coach who works a lot with the shadow self, I got excited at a possible wider concept of that statement.
Imagine if we as adults were comfortable enough with ourselves to excitedly say to one another, “Hey, look at my shadow. This is my selfish side!” or
“Hey, look at my shadow. This is my lazy side!” or
“Hey, look at my shadow. This is my cruel side!”
So, what do I mean by shadow self?
These are those ugly little secrets you hold about yourself hoping no one (not even yourself) will ever really find out.
I often hear clients say, “I try so hard to be a good person. I don’t want to do bad things.”
And I then ask them, “How hard do you try to be this good person? What kind of effort do you spend being perfect? Is it really working for you?”
Just because you don’t admit these darker, shadow elements of yourself doesn’t mean they’re not there. You may just be skilled at pretending they don’t exist. Because life teaches and preaches that you must be ‘good’ to be accepted, it’s no wonder that admitting to anything that makes you not good… makes you, well…. Bad.
But the irony is that you’ll find your freedom when you acknowledge and own these shadow aspects of yourself. As will everyone.
What is your reaction when your friend says, “I can’t believe I did that! It was so stupid!”
Don’t you immediately find a situation when you were as stupid to make him/her feel okay?
Yes – you’ve also had stupid moments. You’ve had lazy moments. You’ve had jealous moments. You’ve had sulky moments.
Do I need to continue?
So yes – you’ve experienced something of everything, but each experience by no means defines who you are. It’s therefore useless (let alone hard work!) to overcompensate and pretend that these aspects of you don’t exist.
Just own them, with the understanding that if you’ve done something silly, it doesn’t mean you’re stupid – It just means that you’ve done something silly. A big differentiation.
Just because you’ve had a lazy day, doesn’t mean you’re a lazy person. You just felt lazy today. A big differentiation.
By allowing your shadow aspects to emerge every now and then, you’ll find that life becomes easier. You may discover that by allowing yourself one lazy day easily provides you with 6 productive days, instead of struggling to be productive for 7 days because you ‘have to’.
Another benefit of owning your own shadow side is that you develop deeper (and more real) compassion for others. You’ll notice that others are also lazy every now and then… and that’s OK. You give yourself more permission to be who you are and you do so with others as well.
Relationships and perceptions change.
Facing and owning your shadow is one of most liberating things you can do for yourself. Carl Jung refers to your shadow as a ‘sparring partner” which means the moment you make peace with all aspects of yourself, you stop fighting with yourself.
That’s where inner peace develops from!
Debbie Ford describes the shadow as your teacher, trainer and guide that supports you in uncovering your true magnificence.
There is no greater gift you can give yourself than permission to be everything that you already are. Stop fighting with yourself and practice self-acceptance. You’re not perfect all the time, but can only be perfectly who you are. Always.
There’s the old Michael Jackson song, Man in the Mirror “If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself….”
The Shadow, of course never dies; we always cast a shadow. But how we relate to it, and it to us, depends on whether it is known. Once known, we have inevitably lost an innocence that can never be recovered. What replaces it is knowledge of the complexity of our nature. Sometimes we are fortunate, and this knowledge elicits a kindness and tolerance in us for others — even, perhaps for ourselves.
Deena Metzger
Completely Human 