Are You In or Out?

Over the years I’ve slowly watched the TV series ‘Parenthood’, which is fairly intense, yet with interesting people dynamics. Max, the boy with Aspergers Syndrome, has played a challenging and challenged role in the family, but from whom we can learn a lot.

In the latest series he (finally) starts exploring relationships and love, which for many of us is a struggle, but for someone with Aspergers even more so! For the first time he fancies a girl at school and in his calculating way, decides on a scale of affection with her. He establishes where he falls on her scale for affection, which is quite low, but takes it in his stride and logically states that his ranking can (and must) go ‘up’. That’s the way scales work. After doing everything in his power to increase his ranking on her affection level, his romantic feelings unfortunately aren’t returned. He then feels frustrated by the disappointment in his ranking system which has let him down.

The lesson he learns (through the patient explanation of his father) is that sometimes life and relationships don’t follow a linear process, we just have to throw ourselves ‘into the ring’ and see how people react. We can then play it by ear.

Life, I think, is the same.

Are you throwing yourself into the ring of life and love? Or are you skirting round the edges waiting for the illusive linear process to show you the way? You may be waiting for a long while.

Just evaluate, jump and trust.

What Would You Do If You Got What You Wanted?

The dining area in our house is enveloped by glass windows looking out onto our garden, and in particular onto all our trees. Because it’s been our first winter in chilly Melbourne, it has felt inordinately long and painful. Therefore I’ve been watching the bare trees waiting for the first sign of leaves to appear. The first sign appeared a while ago and I excitedly pointed the buds out to my family. “Yay! Spring is finally be on its way.” I declared.

And since then I’ve been actively waiting for the ‘real, full’ leaves to appear. I wanted to see the greenery which would somehow be confirmation of eventual summer for me.

But, ironically, I was very disappointed yesterday when I looked out and saw the entire tree was covered in leaves. It was green! The disappointment was a result of not having seen that happen. I’d missed the transition from the buds to the full manifestation stage. I felt cheated and wondered how that could have happened. I watched every single day, didn’t I?

There’s an old saying that the watched pot never boils. It means that time feels longer when you’re waiting for something to happen. In my example that felt true, but perhaps even crazier was my frustration at having missed the miracle. In this frustrated state I completely bypassed the joy in the moment of having received what I’d been longing for.

My question to you today is what are you hoping so anxiously to happen? Is the waiting making it seem like it will never happen? What feelings does that bring up for you about yourself? Does it bring you closer to acceptance or steer you away from it?

Furthermore, what would happen if you took your beady eyes off the target allowing some space and magic to evolve? Would it be the same outcome and would you be able to embrace, let alone see the miracle and joy of getting what you want?

No Goal.. No Future? Hardly.

I sat next to a stranger while out one evening and by the end of the evening we were chatting up a storm on things spiritual and personal development (as one does with complete strangers!)

As we chatted about our lives, she seemed incredulous and asked at one point, “So, you don’t really have a goal?”

“Nope.” I surprised myself.

She pried some more and after a while sat back and said, “Okay, so I’ve asked this question a few ways and it really seems like you’re living with no real goal. You’re the first person I’ve ever met that doesn’t have one.”

Perhaps that true. And perhaps it’s just for this short period in my life as it certainly hasn’t always been the way. But what strikes me more than any of that is that I’ve moved away from striving. I’ve moved away from living in the future. The future is too uncertain and too unpredictable anyway. Why would I want to get caught up in something I have no control over? Seems like a waste of how wonderful today is.

By no means am I sitting back and doing nothing with my life. That wouldn’t be who I am – but I’m enjoying exactly what I’m doing…. Be that playing with my toddler, sitting in a lecture theatre, coaching a client, hosting a workshop, eating a family dinner, chatting with a friend or going for a walk to buy milk. Life is good.

Yes…. I continually plan my time as my life is full and varied and I juggle multiple things at any given time. But that’s part of the fun as I know that anything I plan can (and often will) change at the drop of a hat. Nothing is permanent and attaching myself to impermanence causes anxiety which takes away from today.

Plan for the future. Live in today. Enjoy the moments.

Terrible Twos… Maybe.

Letting go and trusting yourself

My son turns two this week and being a reflective person I find myself looking back on the rapid-fire two years that have certainly whizzed by!

What have I learnt?

• Life is full of surprises (good and bad). It helps to be open-minded and present in each day.
• Resilience is key. With good personal relationships (to yourself and your loved ones) life becomes okay and even FUN.
• There is always more fun to be had. Just when I think my son has worn out a toy, he fins a new way to play with it. Can we take the same approach to our habits and routines?
• Life is messy. Why do we spend so much time avoiding the messes, the accidents and the ‘what ifs’? Most things can be rectified and/or cleaned up. Just try.
• Things don’t necessarily happen according to my schedule. Some days I get to do what I intend – others not. I’ve learned to be patient with it, to have faith and to trust.
• Life is good. I create it that way.

Nobody Owes You Anything

We’re not owed anything – by anyone. Yes, I know that’s sometimes a hard reality to accept and not quite how we’re taught to believe.

• My friends don’t owe me their friendship or any so-called duties of ‘friends’.
• The social groups I belong to don’t owe me any understanding, support or empathy for any personal struggles and challenges.
• My family owes me nothing simply because of the fact that they’re family. They don’t have to show up for all special occasions or provide support all the time. They don’t ‘have to’ do anything.
• My child doesn’t owe me anything because I keep him alive.

Do those sentences strike a chord? Well, nobody owes you anything either. Everybody lives their own life, with their own ‘stuff’: obligations, priorities, duties, beliefs and desires. If you walk around with expectations that the world owes you because it’s ‘due’, you’ll inevitably be continually disappointed. Continual disappointment leads to disillusionment and resultant unhappiness.

Feeling ‘owed’ limits both you and the world around you. You can free your demanding self with a feeling of ‘I’m okay. You’re okay” which leads to compassion, unexpected gifts (tangible and intangible), and generosity. Magic in your life happens in these moments of ‘non-obligation’ or ‘non-expectation’. People are then remarkable in ways you can’t imagine (because you had no expectations!)

Let go of the heavy feeling of being owed and convert to the feeling of life being a gift with people as additional blessings. Enjoy the miracles that then happen. Remember that all change you experience in your world comes from YOU. So start the change now.

http://www.completelyhuman.com

How Badly Do You Want Your Dream?

Chasing your dream

I’m watching X-Factor again this year. What strikes me as amazing is how many contestants have returned to compete again this year. Some were rejected first round and others got quite far before the axe fell – but still have returned to ‘face the music’ so to speak again.

Doesn’t this take courage? Determination?  And focus?

Danni Minogue said about one of the contestants that ‘Sometimes the NO makes them work so much harder’.

I have full respect watching their anxious anticipation as they nervously step onto the stage with all the pressure of being judged. They all know full well they’ve been rejected before – in front of the entire nation – and yet this doesn’t stop them from chasing their dream and continue giving it their all.

What can we learn from these bright eyed and bushy tailed youngsters?

To never, never, never give up. If you know what you want. The road may be windy. It may be long. It may be tough.

But if you love doing it, keep doing it.

Shadow.. Shadow.. On The Wall

Walking into Kylie Minogue’s concert a few evenings ago, I walked past two teenage girls stepping into a floodlit area.
“Hey! Look at my shadow!” the one shouted excitedly to her friend, as they played with the way the lights fell around them.

Being a coach who works a lot with the shadow self, I got excited at a possible wider concept of that statement.

Imagine if we as adults were comfortable enough with ourselves to excitedly say to one another, “Hey, look at my shadow. This is my selfish side!” or
“Hey, look at my shadow. This is my lazy side!” or
“Hey, look at my shadow. This is my cruel side!”

So, what do I mean by shadow self?
These are those ugly little secrets you hold about yourself hoping no one (not even yourself) will ever really find out.
I often hear clients say, “I try so hard to be a good person. I don’t want to do bad things.”
And I then ask them, “How hard do you try to be this good person? What kind of effort do you spend being perfect? Is it really working for you?”

Just because you don’t admit these darker, shadow elements of yourself doesn’t mean they’re not there. You may just be skilled at pretending they don’t exist. Because life teaches and preaches that you must be ‘good’ to be accepted, it’s no wonder that admitting to anything that makes you not good… makes you, well…. Bad.

But the irony is that you’ll find your freedom when you acknowledge and own these shadow aspects of yourself. As will everyone.
What is your reaction when your friend says, “I can’t believe I did that! It was so stupid!”
Don’t you immediately find a situation when you were as stupid to make him/her feel okay?
Yes – you’ve also had stupid moments. You’ve had lazy moments. You’ve had jealous moments. You’ve had sulky moments.
Do I need to continue?

So yes – you’ve experienced something of everything, but each experience by no means defines who you are. It’s therefore useless (let alone hard work!) to overcompensate and pretend that these aspects of you don’t exist.

Just own them, with the understanding that if you’ve done something silly, it doesn’t mean you’re stupid – It just means that you’ve done something silly. A big differentiation.
Just because you’ve had a lazy day, doesn’t mean you’re a lazy person. You just felt lazy today. A big differentiation.

By allowing your shadow aspects to emerge every now and then, you’ll find that life becomes easier. You may discover that by allowing yourself one lazy day easily provides you with 6 productive days, instead of struggling to be productive for 7 days because you ‘have to’.

Another benefit of owning your own shadow side is that you develop deeper (and more real) compassion for others. You’ll notice that others are also lazy every now and then… and that’s OK. You give yourself more permission to be who you are and you do so with others as well.
Relationships and perceptions change.

Facing and owning your shadow is one of most liberating things you can do for yourself. Carl Jung refers to your shadow as a ‘sparring partner” which means the moment you make peace with all aspects of yourself, you stop fighting with yourself.
That’s where inner peace develops from!

Debbie Ford describes the shadow as your teacher, trainer and guide that supports you in uncovering your true magnificence.

There is no greater gift you can give yourself than permission to be everything that you already are. Stop fighting with yourself and practice self-acceptance. You’re not perfect all the time, but can only be perfectly who you are. Always.

There’s the old Michael Jackson song, Man in the Mirror “If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself….”

The Shadow, of course never dies; we always cast a shadow. But how we relate to it, and it to us, depends on whether it is known. Once known, we have inevitably lost an innocence that can never be recovered. What replaces it is knowledge of the complexity of our nature. Sometimes we are fortunate, and this knowledge elicits a kindness and tolerance in us for others — even, perhaps for ourselves.
Deena Metzger